Main Entry: sur·re·al
1 : marked by the intense irrational reality of a dream; also : unbelievable
These last couples months have been so surreal to me. I really can't describe them any other way. December ended with my Grandfather passing away which effected us all and continues to effect us, some more than others and I worry about those it effects more. When you loose someone you care about it never seems real. It's hard to imagine life with out them. I know I don't live in Stuart anymore and Grandpa wasn't in my life everyday anymore, but he was a part of my life and it just seems weird that he's gone. I still have similar feelings about missing my Grandmother who passed away when I was in middle school. I guess they are right that in time it gets easier, but then again it doesn't. You never forget and you will probably always have those moments when you loose it. I know no one lives forever, but it's hard to imagine certain people not being there for your big moments in life, graduation, marriage, having kids of your own, and so on. It's hard to believe that things have changed so drastically, but you must go on and adapt to the new situation.
January began very uneventful. Jesse and I had enough excitement with the last minute trip to Iowa, so we stayed in and kept it low key for New Years. Jesse and I have both been feeling stuck lately and wanting more, so we've been discussing big changes. We've discussed the possibility of moving. Moving somewhere where we can find good jobs that pay as well if not better than we get now, somewhere that's got a lower cost of living, somewhere we could be closer to family, somewhere we could start fresh instead of feeling stuck. I've been applying places all over and even had a couple interviews, but no job offers yet. All of this would be really exciting except on January 20th I lost my job. Exactly 1 week before my "special" birthday I joined the masses of unemployed Americans. It still seems unreal to me. It's hard to believe. So far I have been able to pay for things, but the money will run out soon enough. Thankfully Jesse is able to take care of the bills and support me. I feel guilty about this, but he says I'm taking care of him, so he wants to take care of me. I really owe a lot to him and I hope he knows how much I appreciate him. I'm filling for unemployment, I'm searching for jobs, I'm keeping busy with volunteering, and I'm trying to do the 1 thing that's hardest for me to do... put myself first. It's rough right now, but I'm trying to stay positive. Everyone keeps telling me it's rough at first, but that in the end it will be for the best and I will be happier. I tend to think they're all right, because I really was unhappy and I was already looking for a way to move on. Right now things are in a big transition, but I'm hoping for the best. You picture your life one way, but it doesn't always work out that way. I honestly never thought I would be in the situation I am in at the age I am. Don't get me wrong my life is good and I'm very lucky. It just shocks me the way things are turning out. I'm at a cross roads of sorts and I have a lot of decision making and hard work coming up. I really couldn't due it with out the support of my family and friends. I owe a lot to all of you. Thank you all so very much for being there for me over the last couple months.
Even though things are surreal right now I have to remember that they are very real. I'm hoping that things start changing real soon. I really hope this whole thing is a blessing in disguise like you all keep telling me it is.
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